Lonely Pecas Ndahe

Juli 3, 2007 § 26 Komentar

Hanya angin yang tahu betapa sepinya padang-padang ilalang. Hanya angin yang bisa merasakan perasaan kesepian sebatang pohon yang nyaris tumbang di tengah hutan …

Saya memutuskan lebih baik segera bekerja daripada dilanda kebimbangan. Matahari sudah cukup tinggi. Banyak pekerjaan menanti. Saya memang harus ke Melrimba dan menemui Diajeng. Tapi, itu bisa nanti. Toh perjalanan ke sana ndak sampai dua jam. Saya bisa sampai menjelang sore. Sekarang pun dia pasti belum sampai di sana.

Saya naik ke lantai dua, menuju ruangan saya di pojokan. Komputer sudah menyala, langsung mengakses Internet dan email. Saya tergoda membuka kembali surat-surat lama yang tersimpan di archive. Surat-surat dari Diajeng.

Dulu kami memang sering berdiskusi lewat email tentang apa saja, termasuk hubungan kami. Saya sering mengungkapkan kegelisahan saya tentang hubungan ini. Begitu juga dia.

Tapi, kemudian, biasanya kami saling menguatkan. Begitu seterusnya. Dengan cara itulah kami bertahan. Sampai kemudian saya pergi begitu saja dari apartemennya pagi itu. Dan tak pernah kembali lagi.

For the old time sake itulah, saya buka satu per satu surat-surat di inbox. Salah satunya berisi cerita ketika dia merasa terluka. Sakit. Tapi, dia tetap menikmatinya.

From: diajeng@hotmail.com
To: mas@hotmail.com
Subject: I don’t want what I haven’t got — a title of Sinead o’ Connor’s second album
Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2000 17:56:08 -0000

Dear my beloved,

Here I am, sitting in my cornered cubicle. Lots of works are waiting to be accomplished. I still have a design to go, yet it’s an easy one.

So, again my love, here I am, smoking my pain in and out. Gosh, it sure is lonely here without you. You are right, it feels nice to have someone that you care to be around. And you are right, it feels like shit if you are the one being left behind. But, like I said to you before you leave me, it’s not the first one and it surely won’t be the last.

So, I said to myself just now, why worry then? I’ll get used to it somehow, I suppose.

But, why this loneliness hurts so much now?

I don’t know, my love.

You tell me.

Well, I guess, I can’t really separate what I felt right now from a piece of our phone conversation on your way back home. About runaway bride, remember? I believe that you remember.

I guess that sort of things just won’t slip away that easy from our minds, right? Well, I don’t really know you, but I know me. It has not gone away from my mind, up until now.

My love, I have a confession to make. There was one thing that one of my friend and I discussed very seriously on our last meeting, that I haven’t let you know about that.

Remember what I said about at least I now know what I want and what I will be looking for in my next step of life? Remember that I am actually an ordinary girl who still needs to feel safe and secure and I feel really good knowing that?

She asked me, what will I do after that, after I have found out what I am looking for? What will I do when the need keeps growing and growing. It hurts real bad when you know what you want but you just can’t have it, she said.

Yup, she is right. It hurts. It hurts me now.

My love, do you have

any idea

how much I want you?

Diajeng
“want to be Sinead O’ Connor”

Saya tutup email itu dan menghembuskan napas panjang. Saya nyalakan sebatang Marlboro Light satu-satunya yang masih tersisa di kotak. MP3 player yang saya pasang tadi mengalunkan bait-bait lagu lawas Sting dan The Police, So Lonely.

Well someone told me yesterday
That when you throw your love away
You act as if you don’t care
You look as if you’re going somewhere

But I just can’t convince myself
I couldn’t live with no one else
And I can only play that part
And sit and nurse my broken heart

So lonely
So lonely
So lonely
So lonely …

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