Kenangan Pecas Ndahe

Juli 4, 2007 § 18 Komentar

Gambar-gambar kenangan itu hidup lagi
Menari di atas pentas hati. Tapi, ia lekas pergi …

Membuka-buka kembali email-email lama Diajeng sama seperti kita membalikkan album foto masa lalu. Setiap surat seolah potret lama yang mengingatkan saya pada kenangan yang tak mungkin terulang lagi. Benar kata orang, dulu cuma abadi di masa lalu. Dan, tak bisa diapa-apakan.

Ada kenangan yang menyenangkan. Tak sedikit yang menyakitkan. Saya pun paham dan bisa menyesap kegetiran yang sama dengan yang Diajeng rasakan dan bicarakan dengan teman perempuannya itu.

It hurts real bad when you know what you want but you just can’t have it. Saya tahu, Jeng. Been there. Done that.

Siang ini, tujuh tahun kemudian, di pabrik yang mulai berdenyut, saya menikmati setiap lembar kenangan dari email-email yang pernah Diajeng kirim. Well, kenangan memang mengasyikkan untuk diulang-ulang, seperti halnya kita juga masih suka memutar lagu-lagu kelas “melodi memori” itu.

Buruh-buruh pabrik mulai hilir mudik di depan meja saya. Satu dua menyapa ramah. Saya balas seperlunya. Saya mendadak merasa sibuk sekali dan ndak sempat melayani beberapa kawan yang sepertinya ingin ngajak ngobrol. Maaf, lain kali saja sobat. Many things to do.

Salah satu surat yang menarik untuk saya baca lagi dikirim tak lama setelah kami bertengkar. Pemicunya masih yang itu-itu saja. Dia merasa berjuang sendiri untuk mempertahankan hubungan, sedangkan saya justru tenang-tenang saja.

Seperti biasa, dia langsung mengirim lusinan SMS berisi protes. Saya balas seperlunya karena pada dasarnya saya memang ndak suka membaca, apalagi mengetikkan kalimat-kalimat di layar handphone yang cuma seuprit itu. Mata saya mestinya sudah harus memakai kacamata +1.

Untunglah, pertengkaran itu ndak berlarut-larut. Kemarahan Diajeng reda dengan sendirinya. Yang penting saya mesti sabar mendengarkan. Bukankah setiap lelaki memang harus siap jadi tong sampah untuk menampung setiap muntahan ocehan perempuan?

Kesabaran saya membuahkan hasil. Tak lama setelah SMS-SMS yang seolah bersicepat melawan angin itu, Diajeng menulis email. Kali ini ndak terlalu panjang. Tumben.

From: diajeng@hotmail.com
To: mas@hotmail.com
Subject: thin rope
Date: 26 Nov 2000 21:15:46 -0000

Dear Masku,

Our fingers were so busy last night typing words on that tiny keypads (mine were busier than yours, as always, hehehe) …

And those feelings were true. I hate it when you consider our relationship as a game. I know that we have our misunderstandings that night. It is just… there was so much truth in that song.

I suddenly realize that actually I am so fucking helpless if this relationship turns out to be a game. There is simply nothing for me to hold on to. There is simply not enough proof to make me believe that this relationship is for real, there are only words and a few of observable behavior but still they were done in such a restricted area. I lost my balance that night. I felt like there is no safety net that will catch me when everything fall down, I will simply hit the ground. I was so scared and so disturbed that night.

So I guess we both are somewhere up there in the air, walking on our thin ropes. But well, what do we have at the ends of our balancing stick anyway?

Come to think of it, they are simply ourselves in both ends. Mine consists of my certainty and my doubt, both simply alive in our mind only. In other words, those were assumptions… I-assume-that-you-are-the-right-one-for me and I-assume-that-you-are-not-the-right-one-for-me.

Which is the right one for me? I can’t tell which is the real one, what is the one I will have in the future- while I am still busy with this balancing struggle…

But well dear …
Do we have to worry about that?

For that specific issue… isn’t God still the only one who knows what’s right for us? Isn’t God the only one who can show us which is the right one for us, in His own way?

Well, I say,
I am going to throw away that balancing stick of mine and just walk on my thin rope called life. I might just fall, I might not. I know God will take good care of me, no matter what. I know He will be my safety net when everything else fails.

Diajeng
“lagi pengen meluk masnya”

Fiuh. Rasanya lega betul mendapat kiriman email seperti itu. Ibarat panas setahun yang terhapus oleh hujan sehari.

Hari-hari berikutnya, Diajeng pulih seperti sedia kala. Kecuali kalau dia lagi kumat iseng atau gilanya. Seperti hari itu … to be continued.

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